Sheena

Sheena is my baby sister–Ethan’s only aunt.

It was a typical Thursday evening, heading over to my best friend Laura’s for date night, which we do every Thursday.

It was just before 8:00pm and my eldest daughter Alexis messaged me and asked me if I knew where her cousin Ethan was. It was a weird question considering that my sister and nephew live in Saskatoon and we are an hour away in PA. I told her I didn’t know and asked her why? She said one of her friends asked her if she knew where he was because apparently he was missing. I told her that if he was missing, we would know and not to worry about it. I knew nothing at this point.

So the night continued. It was around 45 minutes later that Laura showed me a funny video on YouTube that I wanted to send to Alexis. In the process of trying to send it, my dad called me, as he and Laura’s parents seem to do EVERY Thursday. Laura and I were joking about it when I answered because no lie, they call every Thursday night. I answered…..

Me: “Hi Dad.”

Dad: “Have you talked to Amanda?” he asked, in a very shrill voice.

Me: “No, why?”

NOTHING.

I knew something was wrong because of the sound of his voice and the long pause.

Me: “Dad, WHY?”

STILL NOTHING.

I got angry.

Me: “Dad, you can’t call me and ask me if I’ve talked to Amanda and then not fucking tell me why when I say no! WHY?” I snapped.

Dad: “Ethan’s gone” he said so softly and barely able to get the words out.

Me: “Ethan’s gone? What? Where’d he go?”

I was looking at Laura so confused, as she stared back at me, just as confused.

Dad: “He’s gone. He jumped off of the Broadway Bridge”

I immediately broke down in tears, in so much confusion and asked him what he was talking about. I looked at Laura and she looked at me, I could see tears in her eyes.

Dad explained to me that he just talked to Amanda and that’s what she told him. I asked so many questions.

Dad had no answers.

• 

Dad told me as of that moment they hadn’t brought up Ethan’s body yet and he doesn’t know anything. So I kind of thought maybe he wasn’t ‘gone’. I was sooo very confused. I told him I need to call Amanda and he told me she may not answer, that it might be Lindsey because that’s who she was with. I remember getting upset and telling him I didn’t care who she was with, that I’d get my sister on the phone. He told me he was going to Saskatoon and I told him I would be too. He asked me if I wanted him to come and get me and it was in THAT moment I realized:

I have my 3 girls at home who I need to go and tell this to. That was my moment of feeling the floor fall from under me.

I told my dad I would get there on my own, and for him to go ahead. I needed to figure out very quickly what I needed to do. I told him I’d be alright and to just go. We hung up.

I called Amanda. She answered and I could hear her crying.

Me: “Amanda, what’s going on?!”

Amanda: “Ethan’s dead. You need to get here!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Amanda: “I need to call Cole! Get here!” And she hung up.

I looked at Laura, she grabbed me and we hugged and cried together.

I just sat there, looking at Laura. I didn’t have a clue on what I needed to do. Do I take the kids? Do I not take the kids? I need to get there no matter what but what do I do? Do I tell them what happened? I don’t even know what happened yet! I don’t know! I just didn’t know.

Laura and I strategized for a minute and then I left with a plan of phoning my friend Amy and possibly dropping the kids off at her house. I decided not to bring them because I didn’t even know what I was going to walk in on or how this is handled or what we needed to do.

On my drive home I cried uncontrollably and called Amy, over and over. I couldn’t get a hold of her. I had nobody else so I called Adam, my middle daughter’s dad. He answered and I don’t exactly remember our conversation but I told him what happened and he agreed to take all of my girls.

So I drove home, trying to figure out what I was going to tell these girls. I was scared for them to know.

I composed myself before walking in. Alexis had gotten the two younger ones, Braylin & Cyla, to bed so it was just her awake. I opened the door, walked in and felt a wave of anxiety hit me right in the face. I took off my boots, walked up the stairs and Alexis was standing there.

She knew something was wrong and I think she asked me what was wrong, I can’t exactly remember.

I looked at her as my heart and stomach were on the floor, tears rolling down my face by this time, I put my hands on her shoulders and said, “Ethan committed suicide.”

She fell into my arms. She had so many questions, was so confused, terrified, sad….. and wanted to know how he did it.

In my mind, I didn’t want her to have the image of Ethan jumping off the bridge so I didn’t tell her (I know now, that was a mistake). I told her why I didn’t want to tell her. She was angry with me, I know that. She told me about a post someone showed her on instagram of Ethan’s. It was a red square with the description saying, “I’m sorry to let you down” posted at 7:42pm.

I went on my instagram and sure enough it was there with so many comments from friends trying to find where he was! THIS is why she asked me where Ethan was earlier in the night.

I told her we needed to wake the other girls up and everyone is going to Adam’s. She wanted to come to Saskatoon with me, I said no. I wanted her to be with her sisters (another mistake). I feel in that moment, I lost all parenting skills and everyone else’s feelings were put to the side so I could just get to my sister. My goal was to get my girls to a safe place and get to my sister.

I woke up Braylin and Cyla and told them. I don’t remember what I said exactly. Cyla broke down when it sunk in that I had just said Ethan had died. Braylin seemed shell-shocked. She cried a little bit but they both proceeded to get their stuff to go to Adam’s. They both seemed to understand that I needed to be with Auntie.

That’s all that was in my head. Get to your sister Sheena, and get there now!

I dropped the girls off with Adam. I felt Adam and his girlfriend Brittany would do their best to help comfort my girls. I left.

I hit the highway and I know I called a few people. My first call on the highway was to my mom, who lives in Victoria, BC.

Sid (my stepdad) answered in his always jolly voice.

Sid: “Hello”

Me: “Sid, is mom home?”

Sid: “Yes (as he was giggling at me), but she’s in bed.”

Me: “I need you to wake her up, it’s an emergency”

Sid’s voice quickly changed to a serious, very concerned voice.

Sid: “Is everything okay?”

Me: “No…. are you sitting down?”

Sid: “What?”

Me: “If you’re not sitting down, sit down”

Sid: “Okay, I’m sitting”, he said confused.

Me: “Ethan committed suicide” as I broke down.

I heard him gasp.

Sid: “What?!” As he broke down. I’ve never in my life heard or seen this man cry. I think shock hit him. “Hold on I’ll wake up your mom.”

I could hear him sobbing.

Sid: “Diana, Diana….. Sheena’s on the phone. You need to talk to her.”

Mom: “Hello” in a very sleepy voice.

Me: “Mom” I could barely speak.

Mom: “What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” No longer in a sleepy voice.

Me: “Mom, Ethan committed suicide. He jumped off the Broadway bridge in Saskatoon” I said, crying very hard.

Mom: “What?!” she said, so confused.

Me: “Ethan committed suicide, I’m on my way to Amanda”.

Mom: “Hold on.”

I heard the phone drop and her sobs got further way. Sid got back on the phone and I told him to go be with mom, that I was okay and I will call when I knew more.

I continued to drive. I know I made a few more calls. I called my friend Kristal and we bawled together, then my friend Jen called me to make sure I was okay driving. I didn’t stay on the phone long with anyone that I can recall because I needed to make other calls; to a coworker to let them know I wouldn’t be in tomorrow, to a friend Kristen, who drove Alexis to school every morning to let her know she didn’t need to come.

I got to Saskatoon and found my way to Amanda’s. My anxiety was so high, I could barely get my seatbelt off. I ran into the house, grabbed my sister and we just hugged and cried. I don’t even remember if we talked.

My heart completely shattered all over again to see the pain and confusion in my sister’s eyes.

My dad was there with his girlfriend and my brother and a few of Amanda’s friends had already made it there.

Now what?

I just sat down and just listened to everyone talk. I don’t even think I was hearing anything they were saying.I didn’t know what to do. I had zero words. But I was there.

Time passed by and someone decided it was time for everyone to try to sleep. I knew as I went and laid in my niece’s bed, that nobody in that house was sleeping that night. I closed my eyes to try to maybe fall asleep and I saw my nephew jump off the Broadway bridge for the first time in my mind. I did not sleep that night. And everyday for the next two months I had nightmares of that moment.